Choosing Sobriety

Describe one positive change you have made in your life.

October 1st 2016 I hit an all time emotional low. Rock bottom! About six months prior the guy I had been dating and fallen in love with was suddenly deported back to South Africa with three weeks notice, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I was devastated! Two months after that my little sister was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis at 16 years old, and my 12 year old youngest sibling was diagnosed with the same rare disease a month later. The word ‘grief’ doesn’t come anywhere close to encompassing all that I was feeling at the time, and as you can imagine I was catapulted into a very dark place in spite of all of my efforts to medicate my pain and avoid the inevitable downward spiral. I was heartbroken, there was no avoiding it. But god damn it, I tried.

Prior to this series of world-shaking events I had been a frequent pot smoker, and semi-frequent social drinker for years. Neither ever presented a serious threat to my well-being as I hadn’t used either substance as a coping mechanism until now. Quickly I found that once what were fun libations that I believed enhanced my social and creative experiences, now had the opposite effect and would throw me, without warning, into deeply nostalgic and deeply depressive episodes that seemed to last longer and longer with each incident. In this time I wrote several hundred songs on the piano, mostly instrumental, because I could not bring myself to speak my sadness out loud to anyone, including myself. I was so terrified that I would be consumed by it forever. I even remember thinking to myself, “This is it…this is my life now. I am never going to be happy again. I may never smile again.” I was so overwhelmed by this state of grief that I couldn’t even take a deep breath.

I began to lose sleep. My appetite plummeted. I stopped taking care of myself. My capacity for social and creative fulfillment vanished completely, and anything I created was shrouded in the deep torment of sadness, hopelessness, and rage. I was, and am, very blessed to have a few close friends who were able to hold space for me in this time for me just to exist in their company, keep me distracted, or let me cry if I needed to. I can never repay the kindness that was extended to me in this time by these people that I love so dearly. I owe them everything.

After months of attempting to avoid my grief, it caught up with me in the worst way. At a friends out of town wedding, for which I was the makeup artist, I had one cocktail and one beer at the rehearsal dinner (a very small amount of alcohol for me at the time), and after dinner smoked a joint with a few friends…weed that someone had grown locally in their backyard. Little did I know that even in Connecticut sometimes people lace their weed with other substances. I have no idea what was in that joint, but what I can say for sure is that the 12 hour hallucination-induced mental breakdown I experienced while throwing up all night in the guest house bathroom, was nothing short of mind-shattering. Over the course of that very long and scary high, all of the grief and anger and fear I had been successfully avoiding for half a year came back at once, and all but consumed me. The full weight of my broken heart was felt that night, and I feared that it would end me completely. It nearly did.

The next day, after a completely sleepless night, my friend helped me get hydrated to the extent that he could…I really should have asked to be taken to a hospital, but didn’t have the wherewithal at the time…and got me to the wedding venue to begin the makeup. Between runs to the bathroom to dry-heave my demons out, I managed to complete the bride’s makeup. She still looked beautiful of course, but I could tell that she was furious with me for tainting any part of her day, and I was furious with myself and more embarrassed than I had ever been. After completing her makeup, I was too sick to continue, and had to return to my room and try to revive myself in time for the wedding. Thankfully I did, but the rest of the bridal party was left to their own devices with my makeup kit, and I was humiliated that I hadn’t had the self control to just avoid any substances the night before altogether.

That was the last time I touched alcohol, weed, or any other substance. I got on the plane home the next day, journaled the entire way while crying and vowing to myself to get the help I needed to move through this intense grief I was feeling, in the hope of finding the light at the end of the tunnel if it were even possible for there to be an exit, but I had to try. The only other choice was the destruction of every bit of potential and love and happiness that I had ever experienced or had yet to experience. Complete annihilation. Fortunately I have a large body of evidence to support the working theory that I have an enormous capacity for overcoming trauma, and that this too shall pass. Thank god or whatever higher wisdom there may be that some part of me knew, even in my darkest moment, that there was still hope for a life filled with moments of happiness and deep fulfillment.

Six and a half years later…I have honored that vow to myself never to re-engage with the consumption of any substances that have the power to put me in such a dark place again. I have been in weekly therapy throughout this entire sobriety journey, I have a number of other healthy modalities for being present with myself, honoring my emotions, and cultivating positive experiences for myself, and I can honestly say that my life is better now than ever before. I am living in my dream city with someone I love very dearly, I run a successful business, and all of the creative inspiration I could wish for is right at my fingertips. Of course I still have plenty of ups and downs, and I have had periods of depression, or waves of grief, but I can sit with them now and hold them with the understanding that they are part of the fabric of this beautiful experience of life that I am privileged to have. I now understand that all of the seemingly senseless pain I have endured has turned me into a human with an extraordinary ability to extend compassion and grace to everyone I cross paths with, and to deeply empathize with and uplift the people who’s lives I am able to be a part of. I have made sense of my pain…something I never considered the possibility of in the depths of my despair, and I no longer engage with anything that does not add value to my life. Luke six and a half years ago would be absolutely blown away by present day me. For that I am deeply grateful, and so very proud.